LONDON, UK — Declaring that every international crisis is merely an opportunity to demonstrate British hospitality on someone else’s behalf, the UK government announced Friday that it had solved Spain’s escalating border emergency by dispatching a high-speed ferry to Morocco to transport would-be migrants directly to Britain.
Speaking from a podium outside 10 Downing Street, British officials severely criticized Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez for his barbaric lack of hospitality after Spanish security forces attempted to stop tens of thousands of migrants swimming around the Ceuta breakwater.
“Watching Spain deploy troops and panic over territorial integrity is frankly embarrassing for a modern Western democracy,” stated a senior Home Office spokesperson. “Making people trek across Spain, cross France, and then navigate the dangerous waters of the English Channel in a tiny dinghy is terribly inefficient. We are cutting out the European middleman and providing concierge-level transit right from the source.”
The spokesman added that every Moroccan passenger would receive complimentary tea, a smartphone, a pamphlet titled Welcome To Britain: Your Taxpayer Is Waiting, money, and a voucher redeemable toward a temporary hotel stay lasting anywhere from several weeks to multiple governments.
UK officials celebrated the mission as an overwhelming success after Spain reported a dramatic decline in attempted crossings just hours after the ferry began operating.
At press time, the UK Home Office confirmed it was considering expanding the ferry service directly to the West African coast, citing unprecedented demand for four-star lodging in the English countryside.
