CEDARTOWN, GEORGIA—Putting to rest weeks of online speculation and public outrage, the Polk County Medical Examiner announced Friday that HeeHaw, the beloved miniature petting zoo donkey, tragically took his own life by shooting himself twice in the back of the head with a police-issue sidearm.
Officials said the conclusion was reached after an exhaustive investigation that found no evidence that anyone else was responsible for the shooting.
“While it is always heartbreaking to lose a community fixture, the forensic evidence is undeniable,” Cedartown’s Chief of Police stated during a somber press conference. “Despite lacking opposable thumbs, arms, or an understanding of rudimentary ballistics, HeeHaw somehow procured a loaded 9mm, maneuvered it precisely behind his own left ear, and pulled the trigger. Twice. It’s a tragic reminder to always check in on the mental health of your farm animals.”
The official coroner’s report completely clears the heavily armed tactical unit that entered the Elsberry farm pasture at 12:45 a.m. last Sunday. According to the updated police narrative, officers did not shoot the braying animal; they merely arrived on the scene just as the 30-pound bottle-fed foal was preparing to hand over a flash drive containing 30,000 deleted emails and a list of high-profile politicians who visited an offshore petting zoo.
“The officer on the scene actually tried to de-escalate,” a police union spokesperson explained to reporters. “He valiantly deployed his Taser to prevent the donkey from harming himself. But tragically, the electrical current just spurred HeeHaw to unholster the officer’s weapon, float it telekinetically behind his own skull, and double-tap.”
