SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA — In a landmark disciplinary action, Major League Baseball (MLB) announced it has suspended God for three games without pay after determining He displayed an unauthorized rainbow over a baseball stadium during Pride Month without proper league authorization.
The suspension comes after several San Francisco Giants pitchers cited Genesis in reference to the rainbow while wearing Pride Night caps, prompting league officials to launch an exhaustive investigation into the Creator of the Universe.
“We have very clear policies regarding rainbow deployment,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred while standing behind a podium flanked by pride flags. “No individual, deity, or omnipotent cosmic entity is permitted to display rainbow imagery in connection with a Major League Baseball event during Pride Month. We have therefore officially barred the Lord from all bullpens and skyboxes until He completes a mandatory corporate compliance module.”
Sources say officials became concerned after discovering that God’s rainbow closely matched imagery already associated with MLB’s annual Pride initiatives.
At press time, the Giants front office realized the suspension leaves some players with absolutely no one to pray to during the bottom of the ninth, suggesting that they instead sacrifice a chicken to Moloch before the game.
