NEW YORK — Pfizer executives expressed frustration that persistent reports of COVID vaccine side effects were distracting the public from the pharmaceutical giant’s otherwise impressive financial performance, urging Americans to adopt a more balanced perspective that takes corporate profitability into account when evaluating the company’s contributions to society.
According to company leadership, the true tragedy of any post-vaccine adverse event is not the physical toll on the recipient, but rather the chilling effect it has on institutional investor confidence.
Executives noted that every time a headline mentions blood clots, neurological disruption, sudden cardiac events, or death, it creates an unnecessary “earnings friction” that requires millions of dollars in public relations damage control.
“It’s unfortunate that every time we announce record-breaking revenue, someone has to bring up an adverse reaction,” said Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla in a press briefing. “We would simply like people to appreciate the full picture, which includes not only the medical outcomes but also the tremendous value we have created for our shareholders. Consumers need to stop being so selfish.”
Bourla added that the media’s relentless focus on human suffering has created a hostile environment for wealth creation, unfairly penalizing a company that has worked tirelessly to turn a global respiratory outbreak into a reliable, high-yield subscription model.
“Every time someone goes into cardiac arrest on television, our stock takes a minor dip. It’s profoundly inconsiderate.”
At press time, Pfizer executives were reportedly preparing to announce a new corporate wellness initiative designed to reduce the stress investors experience whenever reports of vaccine side effects threaten to send the stock price in the wrong direction.
