NEW YORK– Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer released a statement Thursday clarifying that its COVID vaccines would be “extremely effective, universally praised, and statistically flawless” if recipients would simply stop experiencing debilitating side effects after taking them.
According to a Pfizer spokesperson, the reason for the company’s plummeting stock prices is due to the public’s irresponsible dying after taking the vaccine.
“We are seeing a disturbing lack of commitment from the public’s cardiovascular systems,” said the spokesperson, visibly frustrated. “We’ve done our part pushing experimental mRNA tech through emergency use authorizations, bribing doctors to suppress adverse effects, and lobbying Congress to shield us from lawsuits. But if every third person who gets jabbed ends up in an ICU or six feet under, it’s hard to maintain that ‘safe and effective’ narrative.”
The spokesperson went on to say that the drug company’s data shows that when a patient remains alive and healthy, the vaccine works beautifully. However, when a patient chooses to develop myocarditis or undergo a sudden, permanent cessation of all vital signs, it creates a ‘statistical noise’ that makes Pfizer’s numbers look slightly less miraculous.
Pfizer concluded the briefing by announcing a new educational initiative encouraging patients to reinterpret symptoms such as chest pain, neurological issues, or sudden collapse as evidence the vaccine is working as intended.
