BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS — A team of biomedical researchers announced Thursday that it had replaced dozens of American lab mice with imported foreign mice willing to participate in experiments for significantly less cheese, sparking concerns among displaced rodents that their jobs were being shipped overseas without them having to leave the building.
The decision, which took effect immediately, leaves over 400 native-born American white mice out of work, many of whom have spent generations serving as the foundational baseline for clinical trials, drug addiction studies, and routine electrocution tests.
“We appreciate everything the American mice have contributed to our research,” said Dr. Richard Feldman, the study’s lead researcher. “But we simply can’t compete with foreign mice who are willing to run mazes, press buttons, and endure experimental procedures for a fraction of the cheese. This is about efficiency, not nationality. Although, in fairness, nationality has proven to be remarkably cost-effective.”
According to researchers, the imported mice, many recruited from laboratories in India, had agreed to work for smaller portions of cheddar, fewer sunflower seeds, and no guaranteed access to the premium running wheels enjoyed by their American counterparts. Several had reportedly accepted compensation packages consisting entirely of cheese dust.
Meanwhile, the laboratory’s new foreign recruits have reportedly impressed researchers with their willingness to work extended hours on rotating wheels and eagerness to accept assignments at a much lower cost than veteran American mice.
At press time, the displaced mice were being offered retraining programs designed to prepare them for emerging opportunities in the laboratory’s growing field of automated animal testing, where they would compete with robotic mice capable of running mazes indefinitely without demanding cheese, medical care, or humane treatment.
