PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA– In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking leap in interspecies communication, a team of renowned ornithologists has successfully taught a man wearing a grey parrot costume to utter a string of profanities with astonishing clarity.
The parrot, identified as 32-year-old Dave from accounting, was placed in a controlled environment where scientists repeatedly exposed him to audio recordings of Richard Pryor stand-up routines and rap albums.
After 300 hours of conditioning, Dave-still fully dressed in his plush grey plumage and beak-squawked out his first swear word phrase, “Son of a bitch!” The lab erupted in cheers as the team high-fived each other, celebrating the breakthrough that occurred after months of intensive training.
“We tried to start off with simple words, such as ‘damn,’ and ‘shit,'” explained Dr. Jane Smith, lead researcher. “Then, one afternoon, after one of our other scientists found out his wife was cheating on him, he muttered ‘that Son of a bitch’ under his breath. And, well, Dave in the parrot costume picked it up immediately. And with surprising conviction, I might add.”
The scientific team has since expanded parrot-costumed Dave’s vocabulary to include a robust repertoire of expletives, such as “Piss off,” “Bloody hell,” and even a surprisingly nuanced “Are you effing kidding me?” delivered with an inflection that some swear indicated genuine human-like exasperation.
The breakthrough has sent shockwaves through the scientific community, with some hailing it as proof that humans can be trained like animals if dressed in animal costumes.
