SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA– In a move to combat the state’s annual wildfire apocalypse, Democrat Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Senate Bill 1488, also known as the “Common Sense Combustion Control Act.” The legislation officially bans the sale, possession, and transfer of “assault matches” and “high-capacity lighters,” hailing the move as the definitive solution to the state’s perennial wildfire crisis.
Under the new guidelines, any matchstick exceeding 2 inches in length, possessing a “tactical sulfur tip,” or capable of being struck against a non-standard surface is now classified as an illegal incendiary weapon.
“For too long, our streets and campgrounds have been flooded with military-style ignition devices,” Newsom declared, standing next to a chart showing the rising cost of hair gel. “No civilian needs a match that can strike on a zipper. These are weapons of mass heating designed for one thing: creating fire. And in California, we are taking a stand.”
The bill also targets “High-Capacity Lighters,” defined as any butane device capable of sustaining a flame for more than three consecutive seconds without jamming. The classic Bic lighter has been deemed a “non-compliant fuel magazine” unless modified to require a background check and a ten-day waiting period between flicks.
Newsom later blasted his critics, including President Trump, for attempting to claim that the 150 million dead trees currently rotting in the Sierra Nevada mountains were a more pressing concern than the ergonomics of a Zippo, dismissing their concerns as “right-wing climate denialism.”
