HOUSTON, TEXAS — In a desperate bid to salvage his collapsing poll numbers among minority voters, Texas Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico was spotted Sunday afternoon kicking in the glass front of a Houston Foot Locker and fleeing on foot with four mismatched boxes of Nike Air Max sneakers.
The bold new campaign strategy was reportedly designed to show the black community that the former middle school teacher is completely in touch with their daily struggles.
“I just wanted to meet the black community exactly where I assume they are, yo,” James Talarico told reporters while struggling to balance a towering stack of stolen Nike shoeboxes. “Listen up, dogs. Nothing says ‘I understand your struggle’ quite like smashing a display case and grabbing a fresh pair of kicks. That’s why I’m liberating these fresh kicks from the oppressive, white racist, capitalist footwear structure. Black power.”
Witnesses say the scene unfolded shortly after Talarico delivered a town hall speech in which he attempted to speak with a manufactured accent while wearing his pants below his waistline, brought up his bad standardized test scores to sound relatable, and held up an industrial-sized jug of hot sauce.
At publishing time, Talarico had reportedly hired a team of consultants to help him secure the Hispanic vote by pledging to jump back and forth over a border fence while wearing a sombrero.
