WASHINGTON — After years of stonewalling, the House Oversight Committee finally released Dr. Anthony Fauci’s heavily guarded personal diary, hoping to find the elusive missing link to the Wuhan lab leak, but instead, uncovering a much darker national security crisis that the nation’s top infectious disease expert spent the entirety of 2020 desperately trying to take a shower without Joe Biden wandering in.
According to unredacted entries, while the rest of the country was busy hoarding toilet paper, Dr. Fauci was fighting a private war against a loofah-wielding Joe Biden who kept appearing in his shower without explanation.
“May 14, 2020: I was just trying to rinse off after a 14-hour shift modeling doom projections for C-SPAN when the curtain suddenly snapped open,” one frantic diary entry reads. “It was Joe again, standing there in a bating suit, telling me he liked the smell of my herbal shampoo, and offering to scrub my shoulders. I wore two N95s under the showerhead, but it did nothing to stop the psychological damage.”
When pressed by Republicans on why he used a secret “FOIA Lady” to illegally delete thousands of federal emails, Fauci admitted they were mostly frantic messages to his security detail begging them to protect him from Biden’s wandering nose and hands.
At publishing time, the CDC had abruptly updated its official health guidance, declaring that the only proven way to flatten the curve is to never, ever drop the soap when Biden is in the building.
