WASHINGTON — Panic erupted at the Capitol on Friday after a perfectly healthy, unvaccinated man walked past the congressional building, causing former NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci to hiss violently before spontaneously bursting into flames.
Witnesses report the incident occurred just outside the chambers after a tense exchange regarding federal vaccine mandates. Dr. Fauci reportedly glanced up and spotted a 34-year-old local man who had never received a single mRNA dose, possessed a glowing, sun-tanned complexion, was breathing deeply without the aid of an N95 mask, and who miraculously survived Biden’s 2021 “winter of severe illness and death.”
“The Winter of Severe Illness and Death! Why hasn’t it claimed you?!” Fauci angrily shrieked, his skin beginning to smoke and char as the sheer, undeniable reality of natural immunity washed over him. “You were supposed to overwhelm the hospitals! I commanded it in 2021! Hsssssss!”
Capitol Police rushed in with fire extinguishers, but the sheer biological radiance of a human body functioning perfectly well without five mRNA boosters had proven too powerful for the doctor to withstand.
At publishing time, former President Biden put out a statement on the incident, warning the nation that looking directly at an unvaccinated person could cause “spontaneous combustion and severe death.”
