WASHINGTON — Facing another brutal, three-hour interrogation from the House Oversight Committee, a visibly anxious Dr. Anthony Fauci managed to calm his nerves by utilizing a classic public speaking technique by picturing Senator Rand Paul as a helpless beagle getting bitten by hungry sandflies.
Witnesses in the hearing room reported that as Senator Paul (R-KY) waved stacks of unredacted NIH grant files and shouted about gain-of-function research, the former NIAID director closed his eyes, took a long, steady breath, and let a serene smile wash over his face.
“When the interrogation gets overwhelming, my legal team told me to go to my happy place,” Fauci whispered to an aide during a brief recess. “Some people picture a sunny beach or an open field. I prefer to picture Rand wearing a tiny collar, whining softly while a swarm of desert sandflies nibbles at his face. It really takes the edge off.”
When Paul pushed Fauci on his invocation of the Fifth Amendment despite holding a preemptive pardon from former President Biden, the doctor merely stared blankly at the Kentucky senator and quietly hummed to himself, “Bite his little nose… bite his little ears… that’s right, my little $400,000 experiment…”
At press time, a completely relaxed Dr. Fauci had submitted a formal grant proposal to the committee, asking for $400,000 in taxpayer money to study the soothing neurological effects of imagining senators as tortured lab animals.
