LONDON, UK — British officials are asking members of the public to stop interfering with the government’s ongoing efforts to ignore the nation’s border, following a chaotic weekend in which hundreds of citizens inexplicably began drawing attention to boats arriving from across the English Channel.
The request came after protesters gathered in Dover and Portsmouth over the weekend, blocking roads and attempting to prevent migrants who had arrived by boat from being transported away for processing.
“The right to peaceful protest is fundamental, but so is the government’s sovereign right to look the other way in peace,” a noticeably irritated Prime Minister Andy Burnham announced during a morning press briefing. “We have spent millions of taxpayer pounds cultivating a highly nuanced system of turning a blind eye to vessels the size of mid-range commercial ferries. When ordinary citizens march down to the Hampshire coast to film 140 people disembarking at Eastney Marina, it makes it incredibly difficult for us to officially categorize the incident as a sudden influx of aggressive local seagulls.”
The government has reportedly considered several measures to prevent further public interference, including erecting enormous curtains along the English coast and issuing every citizen with complimentary blindfolds.
When reporters asked whether he was aware that a large boat had arrived in Portsmouth carrying approximately 140 people, Burnham paused before slowly turning his chair another 180 degrees.
“What boat?” he asked.
