ATLANTA, GEORGIA– After a slew of criminal accusations were brought against Joe Biden that included documents, phone calls, videos, emails, and witness testimony, America’s most trusted news source CNN reported that all the evidence of the president’s corruption was improper but mostly peaceful crimes.
Hardnosed anchor Wolf Blitzer was quick to prove that there wasn’t anything duplicitous going on with Biden, now or when he was vice president, by simply telling his viewers that the evidence of criminality against the president may appear staggering but it’s mostly, largely, kind of, not really that bad. Sort of.
“President’s Biden’s corruption is improper, but mostly peaceful,” said Blitzer while adjusting his earpiece that had a direct line to the White House. “That proves without a shadow of a doubt that President Biden is mostly innocent, largely not guilty, and essentially crimeless.”
CNN flashed multiple images of Biden’s honest crimes and virtuous corruption on the side of the screen for fifteen minutes, with Blitzer saying that the Republican’s claims that the president is guilty of misconduct has been finally debunked.
“I think we’ve definitely proven today that the Republican’s evidence against President Biden is predominantly bupkis,” Blitzer added. “Now we can finally move on to more serious crimes, like the time former President Trump didn’t say ‘excuse me’ after burping.”
