WASHINGTON — In a historic bipartisan compromise to appease angry Democrats and fulfill federal diversity quotas, President Trump announced today that Senator Lindsey Graham will serve as the official Lead Octagon Girl for tonight’s UFC Freedom 250 on the White House South Lawn.
The unprecedented move comes after the left threatened to counter-program the pay-per-view spectacular with an eco-friendly, low-impact jello-wrestling match between Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters unless the administration formally acknowledged Pride Month during the broadcast.
“The radical left was crying about our beautiful, pro-America cage match,” Trump told reporters hours before the main event. “So I made a deal. The best deal. I said, ‘We’ll give you Pride Month, but we’re doing it our way.’ And who better to walk around in a circle holding up a number than Lindsey? He’s very nimble. Some say the nimblest. Very light on his feet.”
Graham reportedly spent the last 48 hours in grueling rehearsals in the Senate rotunda, practicing his slow Southern stride by switching his hips back and forth while pretending to fight off catcalls from all the hypermasculine UFC fighters.
At publishing time, the administration confirmed that Senator Tim Scott has been placed on standby as the backup Octagon Girl, ready to tag in with the Round 4 card if Graham suffers a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction.
