BURLINGTON, VERMONT — Following reports that Elon Musk had officially become the world’s first trillionaire, Senator Bernie Sanders announced Saturday that he had purchased a fourth home to store his massive new shipment of “Tax the Trillionaires” protest signs.
The real estate acquisition, which marks the democratic socialist’s fourth residential property, was deemed an “absolute operational necessity” to properly house his rapidly expanding inventory of angry political literature. According to Bernie Sanders, his existing three homes simply lacked the storage capacity required to wage a proper war against excessive wealth.
“We are facing an unprecedented crisis in this country,” Sanders told reporters from inside of the newly acquired property. “Nobody—and I mean nobody—needs a trillion dollars. One man now has a trillion dollars while millions of Americans struggle to afford housing. That is why I had no choice but to purchase this modest 4,500-square-foot secondary-secondary-secondary home to warehouse the thousands of freshly printed lawn signs needed to fight this oligarchy.”
According to campaign insiders, Sanders’ speechwriters have been working to permanently remove the word “millionaire” from his vocabulary, a demographic the Senator gracefully forgave the moment he himself became a multimillionaire.
At press time, Sanders was reportedly seen browsing Zillow for a fifth home in the Swiss Alps, noting that if Musk becomes a quadrillionaire by 2030, the campaign is going to need a much larger garage.
