BRUSSELS — Building upon recent European Broadcasting Union guidelines aimed at eliminating the sexualization of women in sports, the European Union announced that it has definitively solved the issue of disrespectful camera angles by mandating that all female athletes compete in progressive, full-body, opaque burkas.
The bold new uniform requirement, unveiled as the climax of the EU’s “Race for Respect” initiative, aims to completely eliminate the male gaze by obscuring the female form from head to toe in yards of heavy black fabric.
“For decades, we struggled with how to stop rogue cameramen from zooming in on the thighs of female track stars or the lower backs of pole vaulters,” said Sven Al-Fayed, the newly appointed EU Minister of Equitable Modesty and Athletic Integration. “By requiring all female competitors to be completely shrouded in non-form-fitting, ankle-length garments, we ensure their athletic dignity is preserved. It is a massive victory for women’s rights, which also conveniently aligns with the core cultural values of our 40 million newest Islamic citizens.”
EU officials also noted that in order to prevent the objectification of female swimmers, upcoming aquatic events will see the women’s 400-meter freestyle replaced entirely with a competition where male relatives describe how fast the women could theoretically swim if they were allowed in the pool.
At press time, the EBU announced that to further protect female athletes from being objectified, all upcoming women’s sporting events will be broadcast exclusively as static radio shows, read aloud by a panel of respectful, averted-gaze imams.
