OTTAWA, CANADA — The Canadian government assured White Canadians this week that choosing Medical Assistance in Dying will help make room for an immigrant from overseas, highlighting the demographic benefits of what officials described as an increasingly important component of the nation’s long-term population strategy.
“We know a lot of progressive White Canadians were starting to feel guilty about hoarding all the best spots on the Medical Assistance in Dying waitlist,” said Prime Minister Mark Carney with an empathetic smile. “But I want to assure you that by voluntarily ceasing to exist, you are actively decolonizing the housing market. Every time a Caucasian person chooses MAID to cure a minor toothache or mild seasonal depression, a beautiful, diverse family of newcomers from another country gets an affordable condo in Toronto. It’s the ultimate act of allyship.”
Carney said the government was particularly encouraged by the fact that White Canadians continue to account for the overwhelming majority of MAID recipients, calling the statistic “a promising sign that we’re making significant progress toward creating room for future Canadians.”
Carney added, “By getting euthanized, White Canadians are simultaneously lowering the nation’s carbon footprint and making room for the government’s target of half a million new immigrants this year alone.”
At publishing time, the Canadian government had updated the final MAID paperwork, officially requiring White citizens to read a tearful Land Acknowledgment to the new arrivals and apologize for their historical privilege right before the doctor pushes the plunger.
