NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE — Tennessee officials announced Thursday that the state was turning to Canada for assistance with the execution of Christa Pike after concluding that Canadian doctors have considerably more experience with killing people than their American counterparts.
The decision came one day after Tennessee’s attempt to execute Christa Pike by lethal injection failed, leaving the 50-year-old death row inmate alive and requiring hospitalization. The botched execution was the second failed execution attempt in Tennessee this year, prompting Gov. Bill Lee to suspend the state’s remaining scheduled executions and outsource all future executions to the highly efficient Canadian MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying) doctors.
“Look, we tried our best, but killing people is apparently incredibly difficult,” said Gov. Bill Lee to reporters. “Then we looked up to our northern neighbor and realized the Canadians are absolute pros at this. They’re putting away depressed teenagers, people with seasonal allergies, and folks who just can’t afford rent. We figured if they can seamlessly euthanize a guy for having a hangnail, they can probably handle a death row inmate.”
Tennessee officials said they were particularly impressed by Canada’s ability to combine death with the language of compassion, autonomy and patient-centered care.
At publishing time, the Canadian doctor had successfully completed the execution and was politely asking Tennessee officials if there were any guards with mild back pain who also wanted to be put down while he was still in town.
