PARIS, FRANCE — In a triumphant press conference held in front of a burning building, the French government proudly announced Thursday that decades of immigration and integration policies have finally produced the desired results, after immigrants demonstrated a remarkable ability to assimilate into traditional French culture by setting public property on fire and attacking French citizens.
For years, critics questioned whether newcomers would ever adapt to the complex customs and traditions of the French Republic. However, after watching multi-generational crowds of immigrants blockade major thoroughfares, hurl cobblestones at riot police, and light firefighters on fire, authorities confirmed that France’s integration programs are working exactly as intended.
“For years, critics have asked whether immigrants were truly integrating into French society,” said a soot-covered government official. “After seeing what these young migrants are doing to our schools, public transportation and streets, we can finally answer that question with confidence that yes absolutely.”
French officials said they were particularly encouraged by the younger immigrant’s willingness to preserve France’s longstanding revolutionary heritage. Major international news outlets quickly echoed the government’s victory lap, praising the ongoing city-wide infernos as a “vibrant, multi-generational celebration of democratic expression.”
At press time, President Emmanuel Macron announced plans to award national medals of civic merit to the crowd, promising that if immigrants continue demonstrating such high levels of cultural alignment, the government will officially recognize rioting as the country’s primary export.
