Minnesota Weather Service Forecasts 90% Chance Of Mugging
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — The Minnesota Weather Service issued a statewide Mugging Advisory on…
Moderna Offers Free Tombstone To Anyone Getting New mRNA Flu Vaccine
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS — Pharmaceutical giant Moderna announced Thursday that it is offering…
Fauci Bursts Into Flames After Catching Glimpse Of Healthy Unvaccinated Man
WASHINGTON — Panic erupted at the Capitol on Friday after a perfectly…
Doctors Say Mitch McConnell Making Steady Recovery From Being Dead
WASHINGTON — In an effort to dispel mounting conspiracy theories regarding the…
Nervous Fauci Calms Himself By Imagining Rand Paul As A Beagle Getting Bitten By Sandflies
WASHINGTON — Facing another brutal, three-hour interrogation from the House Oversight Committee,…
CNN Warns Mass Haitian Deportations Will Cause Humanitarian Crisis Due To Shortage Of Cats To Eat
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Following the Supreme Court's recent decision allowing the Trump…
Bombshell Fauci Diary Reveals The Hardest Part Of Fighting COVID Was Fending Off Biden In The Shower
WASHINGTON — After years of stonewalling, the House Oversight Committee finally released…
James Talarico Tries To Win The Black Vote By Looting Local Shoe Store
HOUSTON, TEXAS — In a desperate bid to salvage his collapsing poll…
German Leaders Praise Terrorist Suspect For Ramming Pride Attendees Rather Than Throwing Them Off Rooftops
BERLIN, GERMANY — In a stunning display of progressive optimism following Saturday’s…
Keir Starmer Steps Down As Prime Minister To Spend More Time With His Local Grooming Gang
LONDON, UK — Bringing an end to one of the least popular…
UK Police Detain Suspicious Man For Going Entire Week Without Being Stabbed
LONDON, UK — The Metropolitan Police confirmed that officers have arrested a…
EU Solves Objectification Of Female Athletes By Mandating Progressive, Full-Body Burkas
BRUSSELS — Building upon recent European Broadcasting Union guidelines aimed at eliminating…