SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA – Declaring that California has no place for state-sanctioned killing, Governor Gavin Newsom announced Thursday that he would commute the death sentences of all 548 inmates on California’s death row, while reaffirming his administration’s commitment to protecting women’s access to abortion.
“Here in California, we believe every human life has value, regardless of what that person has done,” Newsom told reporters, explaining that even the most heinous murderers deserve taxpayer-funded compassion. “We simply cannot continue taking the lives of people who have already demonstrated such a troubling disregard for the lives of others, unless, of course, the individual in question is entirely innocent and currently in the second or third trimester.”
Newsom also dismissed criticism that his administration was applying its principles inconsistently, explaining that the distinction between protecting life and ending it was an important nuance that conservatives simply weren’t sophisticated enough to understand.
“There’s a big difference between executing a convicted murderer and allowing a woman to make decisions about an unborn child,” Newsom explained. “One involves the government deciding whether someone lives or dies. The other involves something-something-yada-yada-yada completely different.”
At press time, Newsom was seen approving a new state tourism ad campaign inviting out-of-state visitors to “Experience California: Where violent felons get a second chance, and unborn babies don’t get a first one.”
