REDMOND, WASHINGTON — Following the quiet termination of its last remaining American-born software engineer, Microsoft proudly announced that it had achieved an unprecedented level of workplace diversity after successfully recruiting employees from two entirely different upper Indian castes, marking what company executives described as a historic milestone in inclusion.
“Diversity has always been at the heart of Microsoft’s mission,” said Indian-American Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. “When I first became CEO, I looked around saw a tragic lack of diversity. There were guys from Texas, guys from Florida, even a guy from Ohio. It was a monolithic, non-inclusive nightmare. So, I took it upon myself to clean house and build a beautiful, vibrant mosaic of my own cousins, nephews, and former roommates.”
Microsoft executives praised the initiative as proof that diversity could flourish even in departments where nearly every employee shared the same national origin, native language, and preferred bathroom location.
The company also announced plans to expand its inclusion program by recruiting from one additional caste in India, provided candidates possessed the necessary technical qualifications and knew someone already working at Microsoft.
When asked about the recent JD Vance-led crackdown on the H-1B and PERM visa programs, Microsoft executives grew defensive, arguing that forcing them to hire local citizens would destroy the fragile ecosystem of nepotism they’ve worked so hard to build.
At press time, Microsoft’s DEI committee was reportedly working to expand their inclusivity metrics even further next quarter by hiring several new Indian engineers who root for entirely different Bollywood actors.
