LONDON, UK — Expressing deep moral horror at the U.S. military’s decision to execute convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan by firing squad, the British government has formally requested the Muslim mass murderer’s immediate extradition, offering him a taxpayer-funded four-bedroom townhouse, a generous monthly stipend, and comprehensive healthcare if Washington agrees to cancel the execution.
Speaking from the prime minister’s office, Andy Burnham condemned the upcoming military execution as “barbaric” and “severely lacking in cultural nuance,” urging American authorities to hand Hasan over to British authorities, where he can be integrated directly into local society.
“While the United States insists on imposing draconian measures like accountability and capital punishment, the United Kingdom remains committed to progressive solutions,” said Burnham. “Mr. Hasan has clearly experienced a stressful career transition. Rather than lining him up in front of a firing squad, we are offering him a fully furnished semi-detached home in Yorkshire, £1,400 a month in emergency subsistence cash, a brand-new iPhone, and immediate access to top-tier NHS mental healthcare.”
UK officials confirmed that to ensure Nidal Hasan feels valued and comfortable upon arrival, local police forces will be instructed to monitor nearby residents for any signs of Islamophobia, such as offensive looks, unwelcoming body language, or refusal to get murdered by their new neighbor.
“In modern Britain, justice isn’t about punishment. It’s about making sure our Islamic neighbors feel completely supported by the British taxpayer, whether though their tax dollars or their lives.”
