NEW DELHI, INDIA — India announced Wednesday that it would retaliate against the Trump administration’s worldwide pause on immigrant-visa appointments by dramatically increasing the production of IRS arrest warrants, Social Security suspension notices, and extended-car-warranty phone calls destined for American households.
The move comes in direct retaliation to the Trump administration’s sudden pause on immigrant visa applications worldwide. Outraged by the realization that their citizens might be temporarily forced to remain in the country where they actually hold citizenship, Indian officials have ordered a full-scale deployment of their most devastating geopolitical weapon of 400,000 highly skilled scammers armed with auto-dialers.
“If America will not let our tech workers in, we will make sure no American grandparent ever knows a moment of peace,” declared Ministry Spokesperson Vikram Patel during an emergency broadcast. “As of this morning, we have authorized a 300% increase in calls informing the elderly residents of Florida that there is a federal warrant out for their arrest, and the only way to appease the Department of Treasury is to immediately purchase $500 in Target gift cards.”
Under the new initiative, Americans can expect to receive messages informing them that their Social Security number has been suspended, their computer has been hacked, their car warranty is about to expire, and they are under federal investigation, all before lunch.
At press time, the U.S. State Department was reportedly attempting to negotiate a ceasefire, but diplomatic talks abruptly broke down after the Indian ambassador insisted the U.S. Secretary of State first verify his identity by reading off the sixteen digits on the back of a Google Play card.
