OTTAWA, ONTARIO — Following the sudden collapse of trade negotiations and the imposition of brutal 50% U.S. tariffs on Canadian exports, Canada dramatically escalated its ongoing trade war with the United States Thursday after Prime Minister Mark Carney announced that Canadian border guards would begin aggressively rolling their eyes whenever handed a United States passport.
The Prime Minister’s Office released a stern press briefing declaring the new passive-aggressive mandate would take effect immediately at all Canadian ports of entry and was designed to emotionally cripple the American tourism sector.
“We have tried playing nice, and we have tried basic macroeconomic reasoning, but the time for politeness is officially over,” Carney told reporters. “If Washington wants to treat Canada like a hostile corporate acquisition, they are going to face the full, unbridled force of Canadian annoyance.”
The new directive, heavily monitored by the Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA), mandates several aggressive tactical measures at all entry points:
- The Heavy Sigh: Guards must deeply exhale while inspecting American license plates, ensuring the driver feels a profound, lingering sense of generalized guilt.
- The Slow Hand-Back: Processed passports will be returned at a 30% slower speed, accompanied by a prolonged stare of quiet, parental disappointment.
- The ‘Have a Good One’ Ban: Border agents are strictly forbidden from wishing Americans a pleasant stay, permanently replacing the national greeting with a flat, chilling “Drive safe, I guess.”
Asked what the US response would be, Trump said the United States was considering several options, including instructing U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers to stare blankly at Canadian passports for up to three seconds.
