TOKYO, JAPAN– In a journalistic twist that almost everyone saw coming, America’s most trusted news source CNN has reported that Japanese police are hunting a “White male suspect” who destroyed Tokyo, despite irrefutable evidence pointing to a 400-foot-tall radioactive lizard named Godzilla.
As part of its equity in disaster reporting, CNN’s audacious claim that a White male had rampaged through the large Tokyo city has once again triggered global mockery and derision due to the lengths the network will go to blame any crime on a White man.
“Our anonymous sources have confirmed that the suspect who destroyed Tokyo was possibly a White male,” said news anchor Erin Burnett as she tried to keep a straight face due to the absurdity of her own lie. “We all witnessed on camera the way the suspect demolished all those high-rise buildings in Japan. Only a White male would commit such a horrible crime. This is xenophobic, Nazi-like racism by a straight, White, male Trump supporter.”
Standing in front of a large Godzilla cardboard cutout, exasperated Japanese police held a press conference to clarify that the suspect was definitely not a White human male and then asked CNN to please stay out of their affairs.
“This is our suspect,” said Japan’s Chief Inspector as he pointed at the Godzilla cutout. “Godzilla large lizard who shoot blue fire, not White man named Chad from Ohio.”
CNN later factchecked Japan’s statement, saying that Godzilla was definitely a White man and that Japanese are biased being that they are actually White-adjacent.
