HELL — A newly damned man arrived in Hell this week expecting the traditional eternal punishment of fire, brimstone, and demonic torture, only to discover that Satan had devised something he considered far worse and sinister: being followed by Flock cameras everywhere he goes for all eternity.
“I begged for the pitchforks,” said 47-year-old Marcus Ellison, staring in horror at an endless area completely saturated with flashing Flock Safety cameras. “I fell to my knees and pleaded to be flayed alive by a horned beast. But they told me physical pain was a mercy compared to the sheer, unyielding psychological agony of warrantless, continuous mass surveillance.”
According to underworld officials, traditional methods of damnation were phased out after infernal focus groups revealed that damned souls eventually build a tolerance to the lake of fire. Seeking a truly unbearable replacement, the Prince of Darkness installed millions of Flock cameras to inflict maximum, inescapable despair.
Hell authorities added that the surveillance system was specifically designed to provide the damned with the one thing they apparently feared more than eternal physical suffering, which is the complete elimination of privacy.
At press time, Ellison was seen desperately trying to hurl himself into a nearby vat of molten lava, only to be intercepted by a Flock pole that automatically issued him a $500 citation for improper use of brimstone.
