PLACENTIA, CALIFORNIA– A shocking new study performed by some of the world’s top scientists has taken the medical world by storm after the researchers recently discovered that death is in fact the leading cause of death in one hundred percent of the test subjects studied.
The greatest minds in the world came together for the twenty year research study in an effort to find out what exactly has been causing the world’s population to die for some unexplained reason.
Head researcher Dr. Martin van Nostrand explained that him and his colleagues initially went into the study twenty years ago not knowing exactly why people were dying, later figuring out that all the dead people had suffered from the once unknown affliction known as death.
“I know, I was just as surprised at the findings as everyone else,” said Dr. van Nostrand in a startling interview. “To be perfectly honest, it wasn’t even myself or my fellow scientists who discovered that death was causing everyone to die, but rather our janitor who happened to stumble into our laboratory and then mention that maybe people are dying from death. Fascinating.”
The janitor, who asked to remain anonymous, is 59 year old Mexican immigrant Pablo Eduardo José Antonio Marciano Suarez Nepomuceno Maria de los Ruiz Trinidad Rodriguez García who has six children and lives across the street from the research center in the red and yellow one-story house.
Pablo said he doesn’t want any fame or attention and feels that he can contribute more to society by cleaning up after the scientists whom are on the front line pretending that they’re actually doing something worthwhile.
Dr. van Nostrand’s research team has been nominated for the Nobel Prize and has also been invited to the White House by First Lady Jill Biden to try and figure out whether President Joe Biden is a very animated dead man or an extremely lethargic living man.
