Russia Assures World Escaped Plague Bacteria Will Die Out After Killing Everyone
MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian officials assured the international community Monday that there was…
Tennessee Asks Canada For Help With Christa Pike Execution After Learning Canadian Doctors Have More Experience Killing People
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE — Tennessee officials announced Thursday that the state was turning to…
Canada Assures White Canadians MAID Will Make Room For Someone From Overseas
OTTAWA, CANADA — The Canadian government assured White Canadians this week that…
Mitch McConnell Takes Labor Day Off From Being Dead
WASHINGTON — After working tirelessly around the clock to appear fully deceased…
Georgia Authorities Rule HeeHaw The Donkey Died By Suicide After Shooting Himself Twice In Back Of Head
CEDARTOWN, GEORGIA—Putting to rest weeks of online speculation and public outrage, the…
Moderna Offers Free Tombstone To Anyone Getting New mRNA Flu Vaccine
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS — Pharmaceutical giant Moderna announced Thursday that it is offering…
Congress Introduces Bill Allowing Dead Lawmakers To Continue Voting Via Ouija Board
WASHINGTON — In what congressional leaders hailed as a "common-sense modernization of government,"…
CNN Says Man’s Sexual Abuse Of Corpse Was Consensual
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK-- CNN has reported on the New York…
Canada Government Relieved After Hearing Executed Canadian Citizens In China Were Actually Just Euthanized
OTTAWA, CANADA-- After initially being angry at China for executing four Canadian…
Media Submits Retraction After Discovering Corpse Found In Congress Was Just Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON-- News media outlets have apologized after reporting that a dead body…
Biden Gives Jimmy Carter One Final Sniff Goodbye
WASHINGTON-- While attending the funeral of former President Jimmy Carter held at…
New Polling Shows Kamala Harris Leads Trump Among Dead Voters
U.S.-- In a series of recent polls, Vice President Kamala Harris has…