WASHINGTON — In what congressional leaders hailed as a “common-sense modernization of government,” lawmakers unveiled bipartisan legislation Tuesday that would allow members of Congress to continue serving after death by casting their votes through federally certified Ouija boards.
Under the proposed legislation, every desk in the House and Senate would be equipped with an official government-issued Ouija board, complete with a taxpayer-funded medium responsible for contacting absent members before each vote.
“Public service shouldn’t end just because a Congress member’s life has,” explained 92-year-old Senator Chuck Grassley. “The American people elected these lawmakers for life. Why should a minor technicality like a lack of brain waves force me to give up my seat?”
The proposal has already attracted overwhelming support on Capitol Hill, where many lawmakers privately admitted they had assumed this was already the system currently in place.
At press time, congressional negotiators were reportedly drafting a follow-up amendment allowing deceased lawmakers to continue filibustering indefinitely through mysterious knocking sounds echoing throughout the Senate chamber.
