PORTLAND, OREGON– America’s favorite peaceful protesters Antifa have hit the campaign trail hard for Democratic nominee Joe Biden, promoting their candidate of choice while at the same time calmly burning down buildings and nonviolently attacking random pedestrians.
At a recent campaign stop in Portland, members of Antifa eviscerated Donald Trump’s chances of winning reelection by burning down a black neighborhood for Biden in an effort to show the country that the fascist president needs to be voted out in November.
“Vote for that Biden guy so we can continue to help America build back better,” a random rioter shouted as he multitasked by torching a nursing home. “Trump the fascist is destroying this country by rebuilding all these businesses that we keep tearing down!”
“Down with the establishment,” another rioter told a crowd of burnt corpses, trying to swing their vote to the Democrat party. “In order to defeat the corporatist elite we must vote for corporatist elite Biden. Well, that’s what my script says anyway.”
Although most of Antifa say they don’t mind both campaigning for Biden and rioting at the same time, some members are complaining that their employer is giving them too much work to do in such a short amount of time.
Disgruntled Antifa member Mark Sist told a CNN news reporter on the scene that his boss George Soros came up with the idea of having him and his campaign staff stump for Biden while rioting as a way to accomplish two things at once, but said he has to do twice the work for the same amount of money.
“Even though I appreciate Mr. Soros getting me released from prison and giving me this great job,” Sist said from behind a gas mask, “I feel like I’m being exploited and not appreciated for all my hard work. But I’m guess I’m stuck here since there’s nowhere else to work because we burned down all the businesses.”
