WASHINGTON — After working tirelessly around the clock to appear fully deceased since his mysterious hospitalization in mid-June, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced Monday that he would be taking a well-deserved Labor Day off from being dead to briefly acknowledge the struggles of the American worker.
McConnell, who has successfully avoided the public eye and missed nearly three months of Senate votes, was reportedly looking forward to using his one day off from the afterlife to do absolutely nothing—a stark contrast to his normal weekday routine of doing absolutely nothing.
“The Senator has been putting in grueling 80-hour weeks flatlining in an undisclosed medical facility, and frankly, he is exhausted,” read a statement issued by McConnell’s communications team, attaching a genuine photo of the 84-year-old lawmaker propped onto a chair holding a hot dog and a cold beer. “Being entirely unresponsive to all external stimuli is a demanding, 24/7 job. Today, Mitch is hitting pause on his rigorous schedule of radio silence to celebrate the holiday before eventually returning to his demanding regimen of complete physical immobility.”
Aides confirmed that the Senator’s brief return to the mortal realm was strictly temporary and that he would not be taking questions, answering constituent emails, or displaying measurable brain waves.
At press time, McConnell’s office had not confirmed whether the senator planned to return to work Tuesday, but confirmed that he would continue being dead until at least Wednesday.
