NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In a defiant rebuke of the conservative Supreme Court’s recent ruling allowing President Trump to end Temporary Protected Status for Haitian and Syrian migrants, Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced that New York City will remain a sanctuary for all residents, explicitly promising to defend the right of Haitian migrants to host traditional, neighborhood cat and dog barbecues.
Standing at a podium in Queens flanked by several hungry Haitian immigrants, the socialist Muslim mayor vowed to use the full weight of municipal bureaucracy to block federal immigration authorities to protect the migrants’ cultural right to eat citizens pets.
“The Supreme Court and the fascist Trump administration want to deport these beautiful Haitians just because of a few undocumented feline and canine barbecues,” Mamdani said at a press conference outside a Bronx dog park, as a few Haitians roasted a Siamese. “We will not let ICE, Homeland Security, or the ASPCA tear these communities apart. In New York, we believe that private pet ownership is a bourgeois construct, and eating your neighbor’s missing labradoodle is a valid expression of decolonial culinary resistance.”
The Mamdani administration spent all week drafting the “Municipal Feline Culinary Protections Act,” classifying any intervention by the NYPD into backyard pet consumption as a hate crime, while simultaneously offering state-subsidized charcoal and marinade to newly arrived immigrant families.
At publishing time, Mayor Mamdani was seen chaining himself to the front door of an animal shelter to prevent federal agents from rescuing the city’s strategic food reserves.
