NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Following a sweeping string of primary victories for far-left socialist candidates across the Empire State, the newly elected socialist-communist coalition of New York held its official victory gala Tuesday night, celebrating with a traditional, highly organized 21-U.S. Flag-Burning Salute.
The fiery festivities were organized by New York City’s socialist Muslim Mayor Zohran Mamdani, who proudly endorsed the slate of progressive, communist politicians. Supporters cheered as twenty-one separate American flags were ceremoniously doused in artisanal, eco-friendly lighter fluid and ignited to ring in a new era of radical governance.
“We wanted to honor the time-tested traditions of American democracy, while also making it perfectly clear that we absolutely detest the fabric of this nation,” said a Congresswoman-elect, while roasting a vegan marshmallow over the smoldering remains of Old Glory. “A 21-gun salute feels violently militaristic and deeply capitalistic. Fire, on the other hand, is a natural element that cleanses the soul—and the nylon.”
The crowd then erupted into a rhythmic chant of, “Hey, Hey, Ho, Ho, the Electoral College has got to go, but thanks for the seats anyway!”
By the end of the night, the radical winners concluded the event by taking a knee for the national anthem, reciting a mandatory Pledge of Allegiance to a poster of Karl Marx, and passing around a shredded copy of the Constitution to use as confetti.
At publishing time, the newly elected politicians were reportedly struggling to clean up the venue after realizing they had already burned all the flags and still didn’t have anything to wipe down the tables with.
