SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Calling the allegations “deeply disturbing,” California Governor Gavin Newsom demanded that authorities launch an immediate investigation into the mysterious governor responsible for allowing a massive fraud scandal to flourish throughout the state.
Standing before an FBI wanted poster of a middle-aged man with slicked-back hair bearing an uncanny resemblance to Gavin Newsom, Newsom unveiled a special task force dedicated to uncovering the identity of the governor who oversaw the alleged fraud.
“The people of California deserve answers,” Newsom said during a press conference. “Tens of billions of taxpayer dollars stolen by international cartels, death row inmates, and literal phantom entities. I want to know who was asleep at the wheel. I want to know who signed these executive orders. And most importantly, I want the name of the reckless, incompetent governor who was running this state into the ground while this was happening.”
According to Newsom, the investigation faces an immediate roadblock due to a highly complex paper trail that leads directly to the highest office in Sacramento, showing that every single piece of legislation, bureaucratic bypass, and multi-billion-dollar allocation slip involved in the scandal bears the distinct, loopy signature of a man named “Gavin Newsom.”
At press time, Newsom was urging the public to remain vigilant and report any sightings of the governor responsible for the scandal, describing the suspect as “extremely handsome” and “potentially still serving as governor of California.”
