UNITED KINGDOM– Bananas have been officially banned from the United Kingdom after a UK man slipped and fell on a banana peel, declared Prime Minister Keir Starmer.
The new ban will take effect next month and the decision to remove all bananas from the UK came when the negligent man carelessly slipped on the banana peel and was taken to a local hospital for bruises on his buttocks. Surveillance video showed that the banana peel was thrown on the street by a newly arrived immigrant.
“Due to an inordinate amount of banana peel attacks,” PM Keir Starmer started to say as he held a banana high up into the air, “I am officially banning all bananas from the United Kingdom starting next month. Far too many civilians have been harmed by bananas, so I promise to crack down on the widespread violent attacks.”
PM Starmer went on to say that he will also be creating a new Police Banana Task Force to raid UK citizen’s homes to make sure no one is harboring any dangerous bananas. The prime minister will also be setting up a tip hotline so people can anonymously report anyone they see owning a banana.
“I’m urging all UK citizens to keep their eyes peeled and report anyone they see owning a banana. No one is allowed to buy, sell, eat, transport, or import bananas into the United Kingdom.”
The banana ban will include every type of banana, with plantains also now considered illegal under the new rules. Anyone caught owning a banana will have their banana confiscated and then the criminal will be arrested to face a penalty of up to twenty years in prison.
Due to the seriousness of the banana attacks, Starmer said he will also be looking into banning citrus fruits because of the large amount of UK citizens who get squirted in the eye with the acidic pulp juice.
