SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Following widespread public outcry over a multi-week-long ballot-counting process, California Governor Gavin Newsom announced his administration’s full, enthusiastic cooperation with a newly launched DOJ and FBI audit into the state’s highly suspicious election results, making the pledge exactly three minutes after a Los Angeles County warehouse containing all 4.5 million fully counted, legally certified paper ballots inexplicably burned to the ground.
Governor Newsom, coughing through thick plumes of black smoke, assured the public that the timing was a total coincidence and that California’s democratic institutions remain the most transparent in the nation.
“We have absolutely nothing to hide, and we welcome the FBI to conduct a rigorous, thorough forensic audit of this pile of smoldering charcoal,” Gavin Newsom declared, as a flaming box of Karen Bass votes collapsed behind him. “I invite the federal government to check the signature of any piece of white-hot ash they like. Transparency is the bedrock of our democracy, and we are happy to provide investigators with all the soot they can carry.”
The federal probe was initiated early Thursday morning after the Department of Justice demanded to physically verify the signatures on hundreds of thousands of mail-in ballots that miraculously pushed Mayor Karen Bass and establishment Democrats to victory.
Local election officials were quick to dismiss any allegations of a coordinated cover-up, chalking the inferno up to bad luck and the Golden State’s ongoing environmental crisis.
At press time, Newsom was seen generously offering DOJ officials a set of complimentary brooms and dustpans, assuring them that his office would cover the cost of the sweeping by increasing Californian’s taxes.
