ÉVIAN-LES-BAINS, FRANCE — Heralding it as a transformative victory for the domestic economy, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney concluded his bilateral meetings at the G7 Summit today by announcing a landmark, multi-billion-dollar foreign investment deal in which Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi has agreed to supply Canada with 500,000 future Tim Hortons workers by 2027.
The groundbreaking deal consists entirely of a half-million future drive-thru operators, night-shift bakers, and counter staff bound immediately for the Canadian fast-food sector.
“This is a monumental win for Canadian industry,” Mark Carney said with a straight face. “By importing 500,000 highly motivated Indians to take jobs away from Canadians, we are stabilizing the very foundation of our national economy.”
When questioned by a reporter on how Canada’s crumbling infrastructure, maxed-out healthcare system, and non-existent housing market could accommodate half a million new residents by next year, Carney dismissed criticisms that importing half a million fast-food workers to artificially suppress local wages was not actually a foreign investment.
“By outsourcing our food service industry, we are freeing up native-born Canadians to focus on their true passions, like defaulting on their mortgages.”
Following the announcement, stock prices for Tim Hortons’ parent company surged by 14%, while the average rent for a shared mattress in a Brampton hallway officially crossed the $1,200-a-month mark.
