AUSTIN, TEXAS — Democratic Party officials moved to reassure concerned voters that Texas Senate candidate James Talarico was perfectly normal by Democratic Party standards, insisting that his unusual public statements, unconventional political views, and increasingly difficult-to-explain behavior were all consistent with the party’s current definition of a qualified candidate.
Democrat officials held a major press conference Monday morning to deliver a firm, unified message that James Talarico is not insane, missing, or compromised, explaining that Talarico’s unconventional approach to religion, gender, and public policy reflected the modern Democrat party.
“James is exactly the kind of forward-thinking individual we want representing our party in Washington,” said Senator Chuck Schumer. “We understand that some voters may find him a little unusual, but we would remind them that the Democratic Party has a long and proud tradition of embracing people who challenge conventional notions of reality.”
Schumer added, “The Republicans want you to think James is weird because he disappears for two weeks, claims Jesus was a non-binary Marxist transgender, and wanders around music festivals looking like an unblinking animatronic prop from a Spirit Halloween store. But in the Democratic Party, that’s just ordinary behavior.”
At press time, Democrats agreed that while the DNC claims they successfully shut down rumors of a psychiatric hospital stay, they had firmly established that James Talarico is, by all official party metrics, exactly as unsettling as previously feared.
