WASHINGTON — During a highly combative Sunday morning segment on CNN’s State of the Union, anchor Dana Bash was forced to call an unprecedented, mid-segment time-out to confirm that a substantial wire transfer from pharmaceutical giant Pfizer had successfully cleared her personal bank account.
“Hold that thought, Mr. Secretary, I just need to make sure my ‘Trust the Science’ quarterly bonus dropped,” Bash muttered, completely oblivious to the live broadcast as she frantically refreshed her screen. “Okay, the wire cleared. We’re good. Yes, as I was saying, Big Pharma is completely flawless, their products are immune to criticism, and they are honestly just delicious.”
When Kennedy attempted to cite independent scientific studies regarding chronic childhood illness, Bash reportedly grew visibly flustered, tapping her earpiece in a panic.
“Guys, he’s using the ‘S-word’ again—science,” she whispered frantically to her control room producers. “Did Pfizer authorize us to allow that on this interview? No? Okay. Quick, cut to the commercial where the elderly people are riding bicycles through a meadow while the voiceover lists forty-two fatal side effects!”
At publishing time, CNN released an official statement standing firmly behind Dana Bash’s journalistic integrity, proudly noting that the statement itself was brought to you by Pfizer.
