Ted Cruz Runs For Prime Minister Of Canada

OTTAWA, CANADA– After a disheartening defeat in his run for president of the United States, Ted Cruz officially announced late last night that he will be running for prime minister of Canada, admitting on record that he is a Canadian citizen and that front-runner Donald Trump was correct.

During a televised speech outside of his log cabin in Ottawa, Cruz confirmed his bid to run for prime minster once the next election comes around, vowing to easily overthrow the unpopular, current prime minster Justin Trudeau.

“My fellow Canadian-Americans,” Cruz said to his wife while she held a video camera. “It gives me great pleasure to inform all of you that I have given up my race for the presidency of the United States intentionally, so that I may focus all of my horses on the next race, which’s the race for prime minister of this here country of my legal birth.”

When asked by his wife what’s the best way to turn on the video camera to start recording, Cruz was persistent.

“Donald Trump may have won the battle,” he said as he tightened his red and white bathrobe, “but me and my fellow Canadian-American citizens will win the war.

“That’s why I have decided to totally renew my image here in the Buckeye state,” he added, “and run my Canadian campaign as Theodore J. Trump. And we’re gonna build our own damn wall, a bigger and better wall across the entire Canadian border and up toward Greenland territory. And the United States is gonna be paying for it or we’ll place tariffs on every slice of bacon, every drop of maple syrup, and every wannabe actor we send to America or so help me my name isn’t Theodore J. Trump.”

With his eyes fixated on a raccoon running across the street, the former sometimes current Texas senator screamed at his wife.

“Get ’em out,” he shouted at his wife as she chased down the raccoon. “Sorry, folks, every time I try having a peaceful rally, it seems like one of these Rac Lives Matter agitators tries bum-rushing the stage. I’m sure this’ll be fodder for tomorrow’s news.”