ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Following the Supreme Court’s recent decision allowing the Trump administration to revoke TPS for over 350,000 Haitian migrants, CNN has issued a dire warning that mass deportations will spark an unprecedented global crisis, as the island nation of Haiti currently suffers from a catastrophic shortage of domestic house cats for the migrants to eat.
“This is just another horrifying example of Donald Trump’s cruelty,” a somber Jake Tapper stated during a prime-time special on the impending deportations. “Experts project that if these hundreds of thousands of migrants are forced to return to Port-au-Prince, they will immediately face a devastating famine. Unlike the rich, plentiful suburbs of Springfield, Ohio, Haiti simply lacks the robust infrastructure of stray calicos, indoor-outdoor tabbies, and neighborhood poodles required to sustain their dietary needs.”
CNN Senior Humanitarian Analyst Jim Acosta joined the broadcast live from an animal shelter to further criticize the White House’s total lack of supply-chain foresight.
“What we are seeing here is cold-hearted, xenophobic carelessness,” Acosta reported while gesturing to a cage of meowing kittens. “The Trump administration spent zero time calculating the per-capita stray cat ratio in Haiti before revoking Temporary Protected Status. When you deport hundreds of thousands of people to a country with only a few thousand homeless tabbies and virtually no unattended Golden Retrievers, you create a humanitarian catastrophe of historic proportions.”
To provide further context, the network hosted a panel of left-wing sociologists and “cultural cuisine” experts to explain that denying migrants access to other people’s beloved pets is an egregious violation of international human rights law.
At publishing time, CNN had reportedly launched a GoFundMe campaign urging liberal viewers to donate their personal household cats to be air-dropped into Port-au-Prince to offset the devastating effects of Trump’s fascist immigration policies.
