U.S. — A wave of unprecedented anxiety is sweeping through the nation as millions of dogs and cats across the United States are reportedly living in a state of constant fear and anxiety following Congress’s vote this week to extend Temporary Protected Status to Haitian immigrants, effectively shielding them from deportation.
While the move was hailed by human rights advocates as a victory for the Haitians, the nation’s pets are reportedly viewing the legislation as a gastronomic death warrant, with frantic calls flooding animal shelters and veterinarians.
“We saw these people eating cats and dogs in broad daylight,” said Mr. Whiskers, a tabby cat from Dayton who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of being eaten. “And now Congress just voted to keep them here permanently? I have nine lives, but I’d like to keep at least four of them.”
Many pets have begun taking matters into their own paws, including a group of German Shepherds that started a “Neighborhood Watch” program to bark at any human carrying a large bag and who smells vaguely of Caribbean spices.
“I’ll be damned if I’m going to be on somebody’s menu,” said Barnaby, a five-year-old Golden Retriever residing in Florida. “Every time I look at a bottle of hot sauce I see my life flashing before my eyes.”
At press time, CNN experts denounced the pets’ widespread hysteria as “xenophobic propaganda,” accusing the nation’s dogs and cats of racism for not wanting to be eaten by Haitian migrants.
