LONDON, UK — In a highly anticipated press conference inside Scotland Yard, Metropolitan Police officials proudly announced a major victory over the city’s escalating violent crime epidemic, reassuring the public that the threat of random stabbings has been completely neutralized so long as law-abiding taxpayers permanently lock their doors and never step outside again.
The Chief Superintendent assured reporters that by simply eliminating the troublesome variable of civilian pedestrians from the city’s pavements, the police have mathematically eradicated the possibility of anyone being mugged on their way to the grocery store.
“People should rest assured that knife crime is absolutely under control,” said the Chief Superintendent at a press conference. “It became painfully obvious that the root cause of these brutal, broad-daylight machete attacks was the deeply irresponsible public habit of commuting to work, walking the dog, or attempting to purchase milk. By strictly avoiding these high-risk activities—and the outside world entirely—Londoners can finally enjoy total peace of mind.”
The police department’s newly released 47-page safety guide recommends that residents avoid poorly lit streets, crowded areas, public transportation, shopping districts, parks, nightlife, schools, sporting events, festivals, demonstrations, train stations, bus stops, pedestrian crossings and anywhere else where people are known to be.
“If nobody leaves the house, nobody can be stabbed on the street. This is basic mathematics.”
At press time, the UK Home Office released a supplementary public safety pamphlet advising any citizen who absolutely must cross the street for emergency medical care to invest in full medieval chainmail and politely apologize to any youth who demands their watch.
