LONDON, UK — Following a shocking surge in violent crime and assaults across the country, the UK Labour government has announced a brilliant, foolproof solution by passing emergency legislation declaring the entire United Kingdom a strictly enforced “Rape-Free Zone.”
The bold initiative, championed by Prime Minister Andy Burnham, involves placing thousands of highly visible, laminated signs on lampposts, bus stops, and dark alleyways, politely requesting that roaming grooming gangs and violent criminals refrain from committing sexual assaults within the designated areas.
“We looked at how incredibly successful ‘Gun-Free Zones’ have been at stopping armed criminals in America, and we knew we had to import that flawless progressive logic to Britain,” Burnham explained at a press conference. “Now, if a perpetrator approaches a victim, they will be legally required to read the sign, respect the municipal boundary, and immediately cease their illegal activities. It is foolproof.”
Sources on the ground confirm that a local grooming syndicate in Rochdale has already lodged a formal complaint with the council, arguing that the “Rape-Free Zone” designation creates an unfair business environment and infringes on their cultural enrichment activities.
At publishing time, the Home Office had announced plans to expand the successful program to tackle London’s machete epidemic by drawing a chalk line around the city limits and declaring it a “No-Stabbing Square.”
