SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA — After weeks of struggling to locate former Rep. Eric Swalwell, FBI Director Kash Patel resorted to an unconventional undercover operation Wednesday by disguising himself as a Chinese prostitute in order to lure the disgraced Democrat out of hiding.
According to sources within the bureau, standard tracking methods had failed to locate the elusive Democrat after his electronics were targeted for seizure, giving FBI Director Patel the idea to go undercover as a Chinese spy dressed in a red silk dress, high heels, and a dark wig.
“Psst, hey handsome man,” Patel whispered seductively to Swalwell, standing near the airport’s Panda Express, awkwardly leaning against a pillar, batting his fake eyelashes. “You want to collude with me, baby, on some intelligence committee secrets?”
Witnesses say it took less than four minutes for Swalwell to burst out of a nearby maintenance closet.
“Ni hao, gorgeous,” a sweaty Eric Swalwell reportedly purred, aggressively slicking back his hair as he strutted toward the disguised FBI Director. “I have a 400-gigabyte hard drive of classified infrastructure data, a bottle of Ambien, and I’m ready to party.”
At press time, Kash Patel was reportedly preparing a second undercover operation disguising himself as a young Chinese exchange student in order to lure Minnesota Governor Tim Walz into a meeting regarding state grant fraud.
