LONDON, UK — In a desperate bid to finally be left alone, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have launched a massive, highly publicized 47-city nationwide tour across the United Kingdom to announce their return to the country and formally demand that the public stop paying attention to them.
The couple, who recently confirmed they are moving back to Britain after six years in the United States, kicked off their “Respect Our Privacy” tour on Tuesday with a glittering, live-streamed press conference at Wembley Stadium.
“We have never wanted attention,” Meghan said during a nationally televised press conference attended by more than 300 journalists, 14 television crews and a documentary filmmaker, explaining how much she dislikes attention. “We are simply here, on this stage, under these spotlights, broadcasting on four different networks, to ask that you please pretend we do not exist.”
The Sussexes’ “Respect Our Privacy” tour will reportedly include television interviews, newspaper profiles, podcast appearances, magazine covers, public appearances and a six-part streaming documentary about how much the couple dislikes being in the public eye.
“If the media doesn’t respect our strict boundaries during this massive, globally syndicated publicity blitz, we will have no choice but to launch a $30 million Netflix documentary complaining about it,” Prince Harry told a gaggle of 150 paparazzi he had personally invited.
At press time, the Sussexes had reportedly scheduled a final press conference at the end of their nationwide publicity tour to announce that they would now be embarking on a second nationwide publicity tour explaining why the first nationwide publicity tour had violated their privacy.
