MILAN, ITALY– Following their gold medal victory at the Winter Olympics, members of the U.S. men’s hockey team expressed confusion over the presence of an uninvited taxi driver who wandered into their locker room celebration, chugging beers, screaming “U-S-A,” and high-fiving players as if he’d scored the winning goal himself.
The cab driver, who later identified himself as Kash Patel, entered the room shortly after the final buzzer, chugging a Budweiser and shouting something about “victory for the American dream” in a thick accent that several hockey players described as sounding “like the guy who drove us from the airport.”
“I just assumed he was our taxi driver back to the hotel,” said one of the Team USA players about the uncomfortable moment. “The dude just barged into our locker room celebration and started shotgunning our beers before asking if we needed a ride back to our hotel. I should’ve known he was a US government worker when he’s out partying instead of working.”
An inebriated Patel appeared oblivious to the awkward silence as stripped off his clothes and streaked around the room in celebration before recounting his own “hockey stories” where he played cricket on the rough streets of Long Island.
Teammates were finally able to usher Patel out of the room by promising they’d speak to President Trump during their White House visit about expediting his H-1B work visa.
