WASHINGTON– Former Attorney General Bill Barr has called on the Department of Justice to open an investigation into Hunter Biden immediately, claiming that President Biden’s son stole his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, which forced Barr to go a whole thirty minutes without eating.
Barr says he knows it was Hunter that took the bucket of chicken because his home surveillance camera caught him in the act, along with a bag of crack cocaine and another laptop accidentally left at the scene of the crime.
“It’s a federal crime to steal a former attorney general’s food when he’s hungry,” said Barr convincingly while eating some Popeye’s chicken to hold him over. “Home surveillance video along with a reliable whistleblower has confirmed my suspicions that it was indeed President Joe Biden’s son who pilfered my hot, crispy, delicious, finger lickin’ good KFC chicken.”
Barr claims the loss of his fried chicken has caused him great distress and a considerable amount of pain inside of his stomach, being that he hadn’t eaten in almost thirty minutes.
“I’m still recovering from not eating for almost an hour,” said Barr, showing reporters his much smaller 92 inch waist. “I spent three days in the hospital being fed fried chicken grease intravenously. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and for that the Bidens must pay.”
At publishing time, there was no word on whether current AG Merrick Garland would be appointing a special counsel into the Biden-Fried Chicken incident or whether Barr will ever recover the weight lost from going so long without gorging on food.
